Gratitude: Transparency and Dropped Points

This morning I got up early determined to get a Gratitude post up today. (Hopefully before 9AM- ugh. already missed that.)

I opened my browser and soon found myself sidetracked, reading through posts on my google reader.

I came across a post that brought me to tears. Laura had written about Stress and the Missionary. I could relate to every. bit. of. it.

Stress and culture shock were NEVER addressed before, or even after, we went to the field. I would not recommend anyone going as “independent missionaries” sent out only from their home church with no mission board or network of support.

We did, at the advice of a pastor who hardly ever left our home state and had never traveled overseas, much less to a “developing country” (one barely out of the ‘third world’ stage).

After two years of high stress while living “homeless” for two years raising support, we hit the mission field. The unanticipated culture shock and added stress of an international move knocked me flat… but it was swept under the proverbial rug.

We stayed for six years. The Lord’s work moved forward, people were won to the Lord and a church was planted and began to grow. The Lord had used my husband to plant a church and it is thriving today.

Knowing it was His will that it was time to go home. We came off the field when the Lord moved us to.

When we left they had bamboo woven walls, concrete floor and a tarp for a roof.

Now, not only is the congregation growing, continuing to lead others to Christ, and discipling them along, they now have a solid block concrete building with plastered walls, metal roof, glass front door and glass windows.

Within six months of returning stateside, my husband became the pastor of what turned out to be an extremely dysfunctional church. (Tack on another two years of even more constant high level stress.)

Last August, my husband resigned, knowing it was God’s will for us to be there while we were and that He had released us to leave that particular ministry.

Thankfully, before he resigned, God provided for me to finally get the help and counseling I so desperately needed.

As difficult as it was, if we had not been in that church, I would not have had the opportunity to receive the help I needed.

Looking back, I can see that I have been living in a state of severe depression for longer than I ever realized. God is bringing me out of it one step at a time. He brought a godly woman into my life to hike along beside me. She is not only my therapist and counselor, she has become my friend. She speaks Truth into my life, constantly reminding me that God does in fact love me –I tend to be forgetful of this fact.

Many things contribute to a person’s depression, including everything from childhood experiences to long extended periods of high level stress, as mentioned in Laura’s post.

Why have I said all this?

As I read Laura’s post and began to comment there, the Lord impressed on me that maybe I needed to say this in THIS space. Though I have mentioned depression in passing several times, I have never really been open here on this subject. Up until now I have said nothing in this space about our last ministry.

So often we are preached to at blogging conferences and on websites that are about blogging, to be yourself. To tell your story. I have never truly done that here and I may never fully tell it here. But this is a small step in that direction.

I am thankful that another blogging friend had told her story on her first blog. Her story of her realization that she was depressed and even suicidal… in a Christian kind of way (Not really going to do anything to harm herself but begging God to take her out of here and an urgent need for relief from where she was, physically, mentally, and emotionally.) While reading it, God opened my eyes to my reality, that I’d been living in that zone for a very long time.

While at Relevant ’11 (which is now Allume Social, are you going?), I was privileged to meet Amy once again, having met her at the first Relevant Conference in 2010. I shared with Amy that reading her post was a turning point for me. Reading her post had encouraged me to seek counseling. In one of her speaking sessions, following this conversation, she spoke of our conversation from the night before and she began to weep and say that even though being that honest on her blog was very difficult, she was glad it had helped someone turn around and make a change. Her post, telling her story, made a difference in someone’s life. She went on to encourage those in attendance to write their stories. Write the difficult posts. Be transparent and honest.

So there it is.

I battle against depression and have for a long time. Does it make me less of a Christian? No.

It means I am in a battle, as we all are.

It means I need to grasp and hold on to 2 Corintians 10:3 – 5 tighter than ever before:

“For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;”

I praise God that He is bringing me along. There is a scale by which depression is evaluated. My “score” has dropped a few more points. Finally reducing my status from severe to moderate depression and for that I thank God. He truly never leaves me nor forsakes me. If He did, you wouldn’t be sitting there reading this.

Part of my own self-imposed ‘therapy’ is to continue gratitude listing. Often it is a real challenge to make myself sit down and think about the gifts God has given each day. I find it to be a necessary task to find the positive amidst what seems so dark and negative.

When it seems like a trivial thing to do I am reminded of a quote from Ann,

“I look down at my list. This thanks that I am doing — it seems so … crude. Trivial. If this list is the learning of the language of eucharisteo — this feels like … guttural groanings. But perhaps the “full of grace” vocabulary begins haltingly, simply, like a child, thankful for the childlike.”

Page 46, One Thousand Gifts.

::

And so the list goes on…

1050. “I’m glad God made us creative so we can make things.”

1051. she paid for a needed cable

1052. chairs fixed

1053. dog cage moved

1054. “Mommy, I want to do Art.”

1055. message from a friend letting me know she is praying for me

1056. … she thanks me for sending her One Thousand Gifts, and says that reading it has been such a blessing to her, her so very sick. all. the. time. Please pray for my dear friend Ami.

1057. waking up to snow, a world of white, two days in a row!

1058. re-reading One Thousand Gifts

1059. Hebrews 10:17&18 God forgives and FORGETS

1060. Galatians 2:21 “I do not frustrate the grace of God…”

Frustrate: (literally)- to break or interrupt, to nullify

Nothing I do will interrupt or nullify God’s torrential flood of grace which covers me.

1061. skipping rocks in the stream with the kids

1062. following a deer trail across the backyard

1063. early blooms in Mrs. W’s yard

1064. She nailed down her salvation in Christ

1065. friends in common, such a small world

1066. little girls giggling and bouncing

1067. sky above the dark clouds, shining brightly, in a strange eerie kind of way

1068. clean laundry

1069. she had a good day

1070. spending the day with a good friend

1071. the scent of baby’s breath amid white roses

1072. five year old humming David Nevue’s melodies in the backseat

1073. gaps between her teeth, she is getting bigger

1074. white underbelly of a red-tail hawk, him flying low

1075. black woodpecker, with head spattered with white, topped with red crest

1076. sunshine

1077. “Mommy, I really like you.”

1078. bald eagle flying low over head

1079. gigantic strawberry, made him all happy and giggly

1080. chocolate covered smiles

1081. warmer weather

1082. white stripe in rock

1083. attentive golden retrievers

1084. another “snow angel” coming to plow our driveway, a neighbor we had yet to actually meet

1085. Mango loves her ball

1086. …that she loves to chase it too!

1087. five deer standing along the ridge against the early morning sky

1088. good friends that stop by just to say “hello”

1089. a new friend made, a kindred spirit

1090. dropping 7 points. its a good thing.

Is there anything you wish you were more transparent about?

What battles do you face on a daily basis?

Anything I can be praying for you about?

Leave me a note in the comments…

Linking up with Ann today.